What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 00:34
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was in good health!
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Consequatur explicabo natus minima expedita.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why did i forgive my father ?
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This is soul school!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
What does it mean if someone asks if it’s pink?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was scared of men, in general
Would this be the day?
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As i do to all so called friends.?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I said to her
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
How would you feel if your girlfriend had dick pics on her phone?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Especially a lifetime of it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Which is better, a naked picture of some one you know or porn videos?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Comes on , in middle age.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He knew the spot.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My life is so biszare .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I waited trembling.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I don,t even have a pension.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But, we were locked up after school.
She wouldn,t have been !
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We all went to grammer schools
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I will be 64.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Ive learnt so much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was 9 years of age.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So whats the point in blame.
All the time i was locked up.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She married twice! .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is how, and why children get BPD.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We were not on the streets..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Put me off passion for life!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When she asked me how she looked .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I have no regrets .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was seconnd youngest,
She loved him until the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
What did i know ?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But it wasn’t much.
It was going to be , some day.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She found it foreign!.
I was very sick at this time too.
So, i spoilt her more .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I write beautiful poetry .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i lived it daily.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im still living with it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My family never makes their pension either.